Forbidden Mommy Tears
“Don’t let your daughter see you cry,” I’ve heard on a couple occasions (during the loss of a family member and who knows why else). The point is that I don’t understand the big deal about letting my child see me cry. I’m not a robot. There is this assumption that crying makes you less of a person, that it makes you appear to be weak and incapable. I completely disagree.
Growing up I saw my Mother cry and to this day she is one of the strongest most capable people I know. She taught me compassion and I admire her ability to move on and make things work.
I do not believe that crying in front of my child lessons my ability as a parent or an authoritative figure. But it gives me an opportunity to give my daughter a lesson about compassion and an emotion she too will face in life.
Do you ever let your kids see you cry?
compassion, crying, emotion, tears in P. Mommy Matters
Reader Comments (1)
I will definitely let her see me cry as she gets older. Up until now, she hasn't been very aware of things like that, since she's not yet 2 and is very "me" focused. I think that people's views about crying in front of kids go deeper than "showing your weakness." Crying in front of your child can easily cause feelings of guilt, confusion and misunderstanding, since most young kids automatically assume that they must have caused problems that they see their parents having. I will be careful not to cry in front of her too often, and will be especially careful not to cry when it is about her or my relationship with her. I don't want her to "take on" my feelings or feel responsible for them in any way. Don't get me wrong, if something in my daily life upsets me and I cry, I know that I can also use it as a teaching aid in compassion and other things. I am just aware that I own my own feelings and don't want to be spilling them all over my kid. And I want her to see in me that emotions can be handled well, and that they don't have to rule a person's behavior.
Here is a little background on what I just wrote. I grew up in a house where there were allowances made for "feeling bad." What I mean is, there was a lot of talk about how we were feeling, and if we were sick, having a hard time, depressed, whatever, then expectations were greatly lowered. I know that my mother was trying to be compassionate and sensitive, but what it did was it made me think and behave based on how I felt. I still struggle with this today at the age of 37. If I'm feeling tired or sad, I don't expect much of myself and I have this deep inner feeling that others shouldn't expect much of me either...and that I have an "excuse" for being less than I want to be. That's ridiculous and really self-destructive! I have a full life with a lot going on, and feeling tired is to be expected. And for most women, feeling sad comes around at least once a month, as does feeling moody and generally "off." I WANT to be living a full life, and I don't want to make excuses for myself all the time.
All of that feeds into what I want my child to see and what I want our focus to be in our home. I don't mind her seeing me cry if it will somehow help her in life, but I am not going to create a home where "feelings" trump other things - like kindness or basic expectations and a good life routine. Know what I'm saying?