They Need You More
Thursday, August 16, 2012 at 2:41PM
I've heard this from three different women in the last week, all of them mothers of older children. The context is how much your children need you when they are no longer babies.
I guess I've been fooling myself that these are the most demanding years of child rearing. When I get overwhelmed or feel as though my own goals are shoved way too far back on the backburner, I tell myself that it won't be like this forever. I tell myself that in just a few short years these babies will be children who won't need me as much and that I should enjoy this stage.
But what if this is not true? What if they need you more as they grow up, and not less?
It is hard to imagine. Right now they need me to eat, sleep, dress, go to the bathroom, etc. When they can do that all on their own, what will they need me for?
Guidance. Support. That was how one of the moms explained it. The labor might not be quite so physical but it will still require time and attention - probably more in fact because baby food making and diapering can be rather mindless.
This news doesn't disappoint me. I love being needed by my children. But it does give me a reality check. It tells me that devoting time to my children is not a temporary requirement so I had better get used to it. And it is nice to know they'll need me for longer than they'll be in diapers. Goodness knows I need them!
Maybe on some level I knew all of this but it is still an important concept for me to grasp. Motherhood is, after all, a lot about managing expectations - theirs and yours!
Reader Comments (10)
My husband just sent your post to me - lol. Maybe he's trying to tell me something. But I completely agree with you...we do need to get used to it, and as my little ones are getting older, I do see that it's becoming a little harder in other ways. My five-year-old is so smart. It's hard to answer all his questions! And as a homeschooler, I consider it very important to listen and support his interests. But I can tell it's going to be so hard. I do have goals of my own. Hopefully I can do just enough to keep my sanity and have something to keep myself from losing it once I have an empty nest!
It is true. I always loved changing diapers. Odd, I know, but I felt like I was the only person in the world who would help this helpless little person be clean (I wasn't, of course, but I was the one who wanted to do it the most.) Now that my daughter is 8 I can say the needs don't go away - they just change. She may not need me to take a shower, dress or do her hair, but she does need my guidance, my love, and my support. I am so thankful to be her mom. My biggest goal in life is to help her be a happy person, reflecting God's love to everyone she meets. If I can do that, I will consider my whole entire life a success. With that goal, and the way things are going, I feel like a rock star mom. :)
As the mother of two adult sons I have to say that they DO need you more as they grow up. I often wondered when my boys were little at how long they would need me, after all, I am just their Mom. What BOYS really need their moms when they grow up (or as they are growing up)? My "boys" are now 23 and 21 and I am here to tell you that I have been pleasantly surprised at the questions and guidance they have come to me for. Especially since they have their father to answer questions for them. The most poignant personal example of how grown children still need their moms is when recently my son who is in the Navy and was deployed was in port and talking to his wife of 3 years on skype. He serves aboard a submarine and they only port approximately 4 times in a 6 month period. The conversation with his wife went a little haywire and I was given a heads up from her that he was "looking" for me on skype. When he got ahold of me his first words were, "Where were you?" and in that instant time took me back to a picture in my mind of my small boy asking me that question, not a big strapping 6 foot 23 year old self-sufficient married young man half way around the world. Turns out all he needed to hear from his mom was, "It will all be okay." It was and it is. He just needed those reassuring words from his mom. I often replay the words my Mom used to always tell me, "You are raising adults, you are not raising children." How true those words are! Now daughters? That is a different story . . . they rely on you for life!!! Daughters never hesitate to pick up that phone and call mom who always makes things okay. I talked to my Mom every single day up until the day she passed away three years ago and I am 50 years old. So, enjoy this time with your little ones and know they grow quickly but are really only a heartbeat away!
Natalie ~ your post brought me back to when our daughters were 15 months & newborn.
Those early years are full of joy & hard work. Raising children is a full time job. They are 37 & 36 now & the moms you spoke to are dead on. Your children will always need you but as they grow & then take on adult lives of their own the tedious physical early years needs morph into the more cerebral needs. The parent child relationship becomes more of a friendship at least for us it has. Some years will be easier than others & the joys continue along with the challenges.
Clayton was right when he said your post was special. I am not the gifted writer blogger you are ~ I just wanted you to know those women were right & your post was insightful & honest. Enjoy your little ones because all too soon those sweet days of toddler wonder are behind you.
Loved this! And as a mother of a son who will be 26 next month I can tell you they will always need you. My son is a married man who still values my opinion and asks frequently for it. It amazes me that every year I seem to become so much smarter in my sons eyes! Cherish them when they're young and they will cherish you when you're older! Beautiful children by the way!
My little girl is almost 4 years old....she certainly needs me less than when she was an infant but I love being with her now more than ever. I know as a daughter myself that it comes and goes. I am sure there will be a time that I long for her "needing" me more but that will all come to furition as she ages and realizes that the need and want to be with your mom growe's throught the years. Right now I am loving her independance and watching her grow.
Blessings to all four of you!
Oh sweet girl...how beautiful your babies are. My sons are now 27 (married with baby coming soon) and 24 (just engaged) you will very much be needed for the next 20 years or so. :) Enjoy every moment of your little ones' lives, don't wish you could be at work. You have the most honored job in the whole world...mommy.
All the best...
My "baby" is now 42. I miss the early years, but the joy and pride in seeing these miracle little people grow into responsible, loving, and caring women is the reward. And I still have callouses on my knees from lots of prayer! Blessings to you and your most precious family...
I absolutely loved this sentence: "Motherhood is, after all, a lot about managing expectations - theirs and yours! "
I feel like this is one of the main lessons that I've learned from being a Mom - and a lesson that definitely applies in other areas of life! I've taken the experience and applied it to the professional arena, and have received a lot of positive feedback for the way I communicate and proactively lay-out expectations. It definitely works! I had no idea that being a Mom would help me become a better - and more confident professional. Funny how life makes us grow up in ways we never expected.
I had to share this with my new platform, A Social Engineer, and will look forward to more posts!
Natali, we were just talking about this today over on our blog {rookie moms} about how each age and stage has its challenges. http://www.rookiemoms.com/what-is-the-hardest-age