Raising Boys

A friend recommended Raising Cain: Protecting The Emotional Life of Boys. I am about one third through.

I can't stop wondering at how our society is simultaneously patriarchal and yet unfriendly to men. The authors are therapists who have worked with troubled boys in public schools. They paint a picture of small but consistent subtleties that isolate boys from learning, punishing them for their natural instincts to play faster and learn slower than girls. These boys learn to think of themselves as unsuccessful in organized institutions and behave as the "problem kid" that they have been labeled for the remainder of their educational career. 

Is this not also an important step towards preventing school violence? Understanding the "emotional miseducation" of young male students? 

The authors point out that toddler girls are more likely to understand their own feelings and acknowledge them, using words like "love," "sad," and "scared." Young boys feel the same things but are seldom given an explanation for these feelings. They are taught to mistrust and ignore those feelings, to the detriment of themselves and anyone who will ever love them. 

This is an important read and I'm glad it was recommended to me. I intend to bring it up on this week's MommyBeta podcast but in the meantime, here are a few more poignant excerpts that stuck with me:  

• "Stereotypical notions of masculine toughness deny a boy his emotions and rob him of the chance to develop the full range of emotional resources. We call this process, in which a boy is steered away from his inner world, the emotional miseducation of boys. It is a training away from healthful attachment and emotional understanding and expression, and it affects even the youngest boy, who learns quickly, for instance, that he must hide his feelings and silence his fears." 
• "If a boy this age were unable to decipher the alphabet or read any better than this, every adult in his life would recognize that he needed help. But emotional illiteracy is so pervasive among boys that no one notices until something drastic happens. It takes a schoolyard shooting, a hole kicked in a wall, a drunk driving arrest, or a suicide for a boy’s emotional needs to get anyone’s attention." 
• "Many men readily acknowledge that the generalization is true: they do prefer to avoid emotional people and situations. That doesn’t mean, however, that men lack the “wiring” for expressing or understanding emotion. Newborn boys, on average, are actually more emotionally reactive than girls. For example, studies show that baby boys cry more than baby girls when they are frustrated or upset." 
• "As much as she would like the school environment to be just a place where instruction and expectations present both boys and girls with the same opportunity for success, the fact that it’s clearly easier for girls to adapt to it means that, in some unseen way, the expectations reflect girls’ abilities and sensibilities. This is the reason that David Trower, the headmaster of the all-boys Allen Stevenson School in New York City, says, 'If boys need the protection of the single-sex environment at all, they need it most in elementary school because of the developmental disparity.'"
• "Studies that track children’s development through the school years suggest that, by the third grade, a child has established a pattern of learning that shapes the course of his or her entire school career.1 We see this clearly with boys: the first two years in school are a critical moment of entry into that world of learning, but boys’ relative immaturity and the lack of fit they so often experience in school set them up to fail. Many boys who are turned off to school at a young age never refind the motivation to become successful learners." 

More to come as I finish this book. 

Cloth Diaper Hacks

After three years of cloth diapering, I’ve found that I can bend the “rules” with good results. I started cloth diapering with a service (pre-folds) and then switched to pockets. Now I use both, and sometimes even mix the two! Here are a few of the hacks that have made my life less complicated and my stash less expensive: Baby Z in cloth. Photo by Adriana Klas Photography. 

• OsoCosy BetterFit prefolds: These prefolds don’t need to be folded lengthwise, which makes diapering quicker and less bulky. They also don’t require a Snappi clip—you can just close it up inside the cover and it stays put. I bought these for Baby Z’s newborn stage and they were wonderful! They fit him from the time I brought him home until he was about three months old.  
• Using prefolds as inserts: Natali has been generous enough to loan me the dipes that Ava has outgrown for Baby Z. Because my boys tend to be heavy wetters, I sometimes need to add extra absorbency. I’ve found that tri-folding an OsoCosy prefold and using that as an insert works great as a nighttime solution (although it’s a bit bulky for day).
• Using bigger prefolds to fit for longer: A few months back, BabySleepBags.com chose me as their “Mom of the Month,” and sent me a great prize pack. Included was a package of Real Nappies, which are super soft pre-folds. The sizing was for 6+ months, but Z was three months old and we needed some more diapers in the rotation. I was able to use the bigger diapers by just folding them lengthwise an extra inch or two. This saved me from buying the in-between size and only made them a bit more bulky in the interim.
• Using pocket shells for covers in a pinch: I love the Real Nappies, but they only came with three covers (Z has grown out of his Thirsties covers). Occasionally, I run out of covers and in desperation one day I realized that I could unstuff one of Nic’s medium FuzziBunz or Charlie Bananas and use it as a cover. Since Nic is only in nap and nighttime diapers, I have plenty of extra “covers” if I need them.

The moral is, be confident in your diapering! Mix and match to save yourself some trouble and some money.

Nonsense

I talk a lot of nonsense to my children. It's more than just silly baby-talk. I'm talking about ridiculous old inside jokes and pop culture references that make no sense but make me laugh.

I'm sure we all do it. Here are a few particularly ludicrous things I say from time to time. 

• "I read you Mrs. Esterhouse! Loud and clear!" I say this when my daughter is getting cranky. It's a line from Caddyshack II. 
• "Keep your eye on the fruit!" Another Caddyshack II gem that I use when spooning in the baby food. 
• "Somebody stop me!" I say this when I am attacking my kids' cheeks with kisses. It's a line from The Mask.  
• "You ain't got no hair, Lieutenant Dan!" I say this when I'm combing my bald baby's head. It's a variation of a line from Forrest Gump. 
• "Pants? Where we're going, we don't need pants!" My husband says this to my son when he gets him dressed. It's a variation of a line from Back To The Future. 
• "Not so good, Al!" I say this when I drop something or something else silly happens. It's a line from the Weezer video Buddy Holly. 

These things are dumb and nonsensical but they amuse me. What are the favorite nonsensical one-liners in your house?? 

Keeping with Tradition: Circumcision and a Bris

This post isn’t about whether to circumcise my baby boy when he’s born because we’ve already decided to move forward with this. I’m now weighing my options on exact timing for this procedure. 

My husband is Jewish and I am not, however we are working to incorporate Jewish traditions into our family values and holidays. As such, it is part of Jewish tradition to perform a Bris, which is a Jewish religious male circumcision and naming ceremony that takes place on day eight after a child’s birth. The circumcision would be performed by a Mohel, a ritual circumciser.  This would take place in our home. A little more about what happens at a Bris here. 

Another option is to have the baby circumcised at the hospital after birth and then host a naming ceremony on the 8^th day with a Rabi. We’re leaning towards this option. I think I’d just feel better about getting the circumcision out of the way and giving the baby some time to recover with me at the hospital.

We want to keep with tradition as best we can, but will feel better about having the circumcision performed at the hospital – although many argue that since Mohels do so many circumcisions, they are the experts.

To any Jewish parents - Did you do a traditional Bris? Would love to hear about your experience. 

Dis-United

I was all set to rant about my unpleasant experience with United Airlines today but the company has had a pretty rough day already and I figured that screaming on my blog would only be cathartic for me. So I'm going to try to be constructive. 

My main complaint is that flying on United with a family is just downright unfriendly. Here is a summary of how it was so sucky this trip to the Bay Area with my 2 1/2 year-old son and 8 month-old daughter. 

• No guaranteed seats together. This is a new policy. If I were flying with my husband it would be inconvenient but with a toddler it is impossible. How can I let my 2 year-old sit in a row with two strangers!? When I booked the flight I called to request seats together and even offered to pay a premium but I was told that my only option was to upgrade to the emergency exit row for $70 per ticket. 

Me: Do you know that children are not allowed to sit in the emergency exit row? 

Phone agent: Oh yeah. Okay well then there is nothing we can do. Just ask some people to move when you get on the plane. 

I worried about this for weeks leading up to the flight knowing I'd have to beg a stranger to sit in my crappy middle seat. I called the airline again the day before the flight with the same result. I also asked every desk and gate agent I could find to help but no one would. They all told me the same thing: No ma'am, nothing we can do. Just beg for mercy from your fellow passengers. 

Luckily it worked out that I was able to switch with a kind soul but this is not a permanent solution. This was dumb luck.

United, plain and simple: this sucks! You've been able to fix this in the past but you are now simply unwilling? Why??   

• No preboarding for families. This is also a new policy that I don't understand. Why not give young travelers a little extra time? I have A LOT of gear that I lug with me to accommodate my two little ones and that gear makes our flight a smooth sail. But I need time to deal with all of that stuff. I need time to break down my double stroller, set up my CARES harness, get myself seated with the baby in the Ergo, pull out the iPad for the flight, get a nursing cover, etc. Giving me a few minutes to do this without other passengers waiting impatiently in the aisle just makes sense! It keeps me from holding everyone else up!

• No stroller coverage on domestic flights. This was my final straw today. We had a pretty smooth flight from San Francisco to Newark but when we arrived the sun hood on my Mountain Buggy Duet was broken off and the bent frame was tossed on the floor next to my folded stroller without explanation. I was directed to a baggage claim service desk where an agent inquired about the price of the stroller and its age. This is an expensive stroller but having a double helps A TON - especially since I flew the first leg of this flight alone without my husband. When I told her that it was not yet 4 months old and costs just under $600, her response was this: 

Agent: We suggest you travel with less expensive strollers because we don't cover them on domestic flights. 

I was dumbfounded. So if it were cheaper it would be okay for you to break it?? And is it any of your business how much it costs anyway? I choose the best products in order to make my travels easier - is that any of your business? Why kind of response is that?? 

I wasn't asking that they replace the entire stroller - just the sun hood, which costs all of $45. She said that she would look into sending us a replacement. She was kind enough, giving me a claim number and her contact information, but I was still dumbfounded by this policy. 

We may break your stroller so make sure it's cheap, parents! Oh and screw you for traveling with little ones too. 

Now I don't want to scream about how unacceptable this all is. I think thats pretty obvious. And I will vote with my dollars. In April Virgin America begins service out of Newark and then I will take my regular cross-country fares elsewhere. 

To their credit, United has responded to my Twitter ravings with offers to help. But it shouldn't come to this! These cold, unfriendly policies have really alienated my family and - I don't mean to brag - but we are seriously THE easiest travelers you can imagine. My kids never cry on planes, they don't kick seats, they don't have fits. They know the drill. They play with their toys, watch movies on iPad, sleep, and eat their lunches. They are seasoned travelers. We make it very easy on the airlines that accommodate us. Problem is: they don't make it easy on us. And they so easily could by throwing out the policies that alienate and starting with a new policy. It's called customer service.